Loss January 22, 2009

It’s been a difficult couple of days for me.  I found out on Tuesday that one of my past clients died.  It’s been hard coping with it.  While she wasn’t a friend and I had a professional distance because of the ethics of being a part of her treatment team, I’m strugglingto deal with how I feel.  I suppose it might help if I told you that once someone has been a client always a client.  I do keep a distance from the people I work with, you have to, and I always try to help or encourage our women even if they are no longer in treatment.

I’ve seen women relapse, I’ve seen them go back to jail, lose parental rights of their kids, go to prison,  everything.  This is the first one of my clients I know has past away.  I’m sad and angry and kind of sick about it. 

 I wish that we could have done more.  Done something.  I know that there is no way for me or anyone else to actually change another person.  I can help, I can support, I can try but I can’t do it for them.  But that doesn’t stop it from hurting.  Why couldn’t we stop this?  Why isn’t there more support?  What is it that drives someone to use to the detriment of everything else?  Why are those children now without their mother?  Is there anything else I could have done?

We bitch about drugs, but we don’t have nearly enough resources to do anything constructive about it.  Nevada has some of the lowest funding for aid programs in the nation and we’re about to cut it some more.  We finally moved to 40th in the nation for mental health care and we’re about to cut it.  What are people supposed to do?  Disturbing numbers of our clients have mental disorders.  When you look at the disorder and the substance use together you see a lot self medicating.  Kids with anxiety disorders drinking themselves stupid so they feel calm.  Depressives escapingwith stimulants so they feel something.  No I’m not saying its as simple as that, that with care no one would use, but God damn it, it is that simple for some of them.     

I know it’s not simple.  Heck the longer I work in this field the less I understand about addiction.    And that’s part of why I’m mad.  Why?  Why waste a perfectly good mind?  A good person like that?  She wasn’t the kind of woman you would associate with drugs.  She was the next door neighbor, the family friend.  Your typical young, suburban mom.  Pretty, funny, cared about her kids,  bright, you’d never know.  Why?  Why give it up?  Why does anyone?

And why can’t we do something better?

Still not dead, Just crazy December 18, 2008

There is nothing quiet like trying to get 40 some odd families adopted for Christmas in the middle of a recession to make Christmas and me crazy!  I’ve been really busy at work, in fact I’d say this is just about the busiest time of year for me.  But we’re almost there and only have a couple of families left to adopt.  And dinner to plan for the residents.  And distributing clothes and toys.  And the fact that for some reason I thought it’d be a good idea to take the 24th and 26th off!  Lol.  By then I’ll definitely need it.

I’ve noticed something about the way I do holidays.  To me it’s all about having fun and sharing time with my family.  It’s an excuse to spoil the people I adore.  And, other than the work part of it, it’s not really stressful.  I have kind of a different experience of holidays than most people in our culture.  I can actually remember every holiday that I’ve ever had because I didn’t celebrate a single one until I was 14. 

When my sister and I left our parents religion we started making up the holidays as we went.  The first thanksgiving I cooked was in the 19 foot long trailer that I lived in.  I had to go back and forth to use my folks kitchen because the turkey was physically too big for my oven.  We carved a smiley face into the onion (stuffing) and put our initials on it as a wish for a happy The entire trailer was covered in food and Meme, the guy I was dating at the time, and myself were all dressed to the nines.  A blast.

My first Christmas tree was in that same trailer.  It was about 2 feet tall and I carried it home from the store at 11pm in a snow storm.  Lots of people made the tiny Tim reference.  We decorated it with st. ives beer caps and a goth angel we made that had no wings.  We hung stocking from the spoon rack.  We had an awesome time.

My oven is bigger now.  The tree is bigger and I no long have to carry it.  But we still carve the apples and onions we stuff in the turkey.  The same wingless, goth angel sits on the tree.  And we still have fun.  There is no perfect past to live up too, no one to impress, and very few people to worry about.  I guess my hope for everyone, especially since most are having money troubles, is that you find what you care about in the holidays and let the rest go. 

Happy Holidays:)

OMG it’s nearly xmas December 12, 2008

The other day it finaly struck me that it’s the 12th of December…And I haven’t done any of the shopping part of christmas!  I always remember to start the handmade gifts nice and early.  And all of those are done,  well close:).  But I always forget about the shopping part. 

So tonight Matt and I are going to pick up a tree and deck the halls!  I think this year I actualy know where all the decorations are.  Meme and I are also making potatoe leek soup and fresh bread tonight.  My DMIL gave me the recipe for the bread she had when we were over there for supper Tuesday.    It’s already started.  Just needs an other rise then bakeing.  The recipe is writen poorly, very confusing.  If it turns out well I’ll post the reorganized recipe.

When we were cleaning up from dinner with the folks Tuesday I mentioned that I was planing to make another batch of pumpkin cholate chip cookies and use the spice mix that Aunt Lucy gave us.  DFIL started jumping up and down and makeing puppy noises at the tought of more cookies!  Well, I think I know what my holiday baking project is going to be this year.  The gift that Lucy gave us was really cool.  Handmixed spice mixes all fall kind of flavors.  Probaly the neatest thing about it was the packing mattirial.  Don’t hear that very often!  The bottles were packed with food quality bay leaves and cinnimon sticks and whole nutmeg.  Awesomeness, I was out of bay leaves too.

Our cousin Julie got her package.  I was a little worried it wouldn’t make it in time even tho it was 8-10 day shipping.  I’ve never shipped internationaly before so didn’t know what to expect.  Now I’m very glad that I individualy wraped the gifts.  She’s been opening them one a day.  Yay for the 13 days of christmas in Japan!

Tomarrow Meme and I are going to do our yearly christmas shopping blitz.  This usualy ends up being 8+ hours of silly, girly, highly caffinated fun with us totaly crashing afterwards.  I think our boys are going to go do their shopping together tomarrow too.  I know some of the things I’m looking for but alot of them will be based on what we find. 

And so the madness begins:)

I’m not dead October 24, 2008

I haven’t had much time for posting but I’m not dead.  It has been an insane week at work.  I had a whole 2 minuet notice that they were finally going to move my office.  Lugging boxes and furniture up a flight of stairs in high heels is really exhausting.  Then there’s been the fun of trying to unpack, organize, and still run all of my groups, appointments, and cover for the person they let go this week.  I’m pretty sure that my brain has imploded and will soon start to leak out my ears.

But it’s Friday.  We’re going out for Chinese food.  Then we’re going to game.  I’m almost done with the first of the Christmas presents I’m making this year.  And my good friend Justin became a Papa this week.  His new baby boy was born on Tuesday. 7lb 5oz with blue gray eyes and half a head of hair.

Hope everyone else has a great weekend and a chance to rejuvinate in what ever way makes you happy.

Snowing?! And cookbook thoughts October 10, 2008

Well I am supper lucky.  New furnace in yesterday and today it’s snowing.  Reno weather always manages to surprise me.  My tree is still completely green and this morning its dusted with snow.  The drive into town was incredibly beautiful this morning.  Peavine mt was dusted with snow and draped with gray clouds.  The rest of the Sierras were hidden by the cloud bank rolling over them.  I think I’m ready for winter, but I’d like a bit more fall first:).

Meme and I are going to make Cream of assparugus soup tonight.  (If it comes out well I’ll post the recipe)  I found the recipe in a great 70s cookbook, Soups and Stews.   Looks like there are several tasty recipes to try.  I absolutely love old cookbooks.  The changes in what we eat and the way we think about food are so huge.  This cookbook has a 100 recipes with “50 Lavish illustrations”.  Hysterical to look at the photos after reading any of the food blogs out there.  They pretty much took pictures of the food instead of having a photo shoot with the food. Did that make sense? 

The types of things considered exotic are different.  They have a recipe for a Mexican soup that’s only for those who “really” like spicy food.  It has 1 tsp of caynan pepper and 1 de-seeded green chili.  Not spicy in my family.  In my understanding, the expansion of American food/tastes can be largely credited to Julia Child.  She introduced new food ideas.  People would make them when entertaining.  And then, of course, when the next person entertained they had to do something more exotic. Just like groups of people with similar ideas will radicalize over time by trying to out do each other.

The focus of the recipes seems different too.  This cookbook is all about “economical” and easy soups, “so that you don’t break the budget every time you contemplate cooking” and “mum can enjoy the meal she just prepared”.  Seems like many of the recipes you see now are all about being Martha-esc and creating some thing stylish.  Maybe it’s nostalgia or romancing the past, but it’s practical too.  With how crazy the economy is, cookbooks on how to make good food inexpensively are useful, important, desperately needed.  I can’t tell you the number of women that I work with who have no ability to prepare health meals for their kids on a limited budget.  No one teaches that anymore.  So my clients end up feeding their familys crap food out of boxes and going hungry at the end of the month because the budget didn’t go that far.  I’d love to see home skills/life skills/life management taught in high school like it used to be.

My thought for the day is to find joy in simplicity.

Glad for short hair, less to pull July 16, 2008

It has been so busy this week it’s not even funny.  Work has been insane.  The rains we had on Monday caused flash flooding in Stead.

http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/gallery?Site=J7&Date=20080714&Category=NEWS&ArtNo=807140803&Ref=PH&Params=Itemnr=5

RGJ has some good photos of it.  That area is just down the street from our place.  The rain did some damage to the garden too.  Took the soil of of a flower bed and put it in the walkway.  Took it off a slight hill and covered my moss and paving stones while and the same time washing away a  bunch of the nice soil on the far end of the pavers.  So I need to find time to spend back there.

Just found out that my Mom is going to be here tonight and will probably stay a week before she moves to Washington.  Don’t know how all that’s going to work because she has her trailer with her and her dog.  I’m not very dog friendly at the moment.  The last couple of times we’ve had dogs at the house they’ve eaten everything, thrown up everywhere, dug in my gardens, and freaked out my cats to the point where they decide to piss on everything.  Did I mention the only spare space is my studio and lately dogs have been trying to eat everything.  Like my paint brushes.

 

And Matt’s truck was broken into and rifled thru this weekend.  (He forgot a window)  Nothing was taken because there wasn’t anything worth taking but still.  I’m getting tired of this crap.  We’re thinking about installing a camera to look over the cars.  At least that when the police would have something to go on.

Lack of communication July 7, 2008

So Matt and I had this camping trip all planned out for the 4th of July weekend.  Then the fires started.  Unfortunately, one of the fires was right near where we had planned on camping.  So we hustle and find somewhere else to go.  Not easy to do on a holiday weekend.  We decide to go down to Topaz.

Thursday morning (we left that evening) Matt called down to Topaz to make sure we’re all set.  Do they have up spaces?  Are fires allowed?  Are there any special requirements or rules?  We were told that they had plenty of space.  Even if the camp filled up, there was undeveloped camps just a short walk down the beach.  Fires were fine.  You just needed to have them in a pit.  And no special regulations.

Thursday evening we pack up and set out.  All excited, all looking forward to this, even had the kabobs ready and threaded.  We drove all the way out there to find out that who ever Matt talked to either didn’t know what the heck they were doing or was just doing a terrible job.  The camp was full.  Ok, no big deal we’ll use the undeveloped spaces.  Those turned out to be like a 1 1/2 away from the bathrooms.  Sorry but that’s not a short walk when you have a full bladder.  Then they told us they were out of fire pits.  What do you mean out of fire pits?  Don’t you build those?  Nope.  You have to rent a special portable metal trash can for your fire.  Well can we build one?  (Matt was a Boy Scout after all)  Nope.  Not allowed.  And are those pallets that you were planning to use?  (In the bed of the truck)  Can’t burn pallets.  What?  We cant use solid oak planks to burn!  That was kind of the last straw.  How are we supposed to do the camping thing when we cant have  a fire to cook our food?

So we leave and it sucks because it’s already getting dark.  Cant really get to another camp site.  Don’t really want to go home.  We end up staying in a tiny motel in Minden just to be out of town.  If you ever stay in Minden, please don’t go to the Sierra Motel.  It was ok price wise ($148 for 3 nights) and the manager was friendly, but that’s all the good that can be said about it.  The room was tiny.  No big deal.  The bed was awful (my back is still recovering).  But the room wasn’t clean or maintained.  There were ants all over the place and mosquitoes (the deet spray came in handy).  I spilled water on the floor and cleaned it up with one of the white towels.  It came up filthy black and brown.  The sub-flooring was roted in places.  The shower was just wider than my shoulders.  All in all, worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in.

There wasn’t much we could find to do either.  Museum closed.  No one we talked to had any ideas.  Couldn’t find a park with a bbq pit.  All the little shops that looked interesting, closed.  We hung out and watched telly (nice since we don’t bother with cable).  We went into Carson to get something to eat (most of the restaurants seemed to be closed) and the little chinese place we like in Carson was closed.  One of the best things about chinese restaurants is that they’re almost always open on the holidays.  Went and saw Hancock (interesting premise) and hung out some more.  Oh yeah, and Matt cell phone finally wigged out and died.  My new phone reuped the contract so he can’t get the rebate on a new phone from ATT.

Basically,  we were both really happy to be home.  As much as it fell apart, it was still nice to have time with no one but my husband.  Our mini-cations really help us stay connected and close.  Even this one.

Good Girl. Good Boy. July 2, 2008

The Good girl effect. My background is in psychology and particularly behaviorism.  I’ve been thinking lately about consequences.   We live in a society that is punishment based.  You break the rules you go to jail, you speed you get a ticket, you break the rules in treatment you get a consequence- lose passes or write an essay, or something.  This is necessary to keep things running.  We need law and order and punishments.

 

That said, so often when we talk about consequences we’re actually talking about punishment.  And very rarely do we ever use the other side of consequence.  The good girl part.  If you spend any time studying behaviorism or even read books on training dogs or raising kids, you’ll see alot about positive reinforcement.  The reason is that positive reinforcement is the biggest force in changing behaviors.   And the single most reinforcing thing to people is praise.  We crave it.  We’ll go to great lengths for it.  We’ll change our actions to get it. 

Have you ever had a really terrible day at work?  One where you hated everything.  Then a boss or a coworker tells you how much they appreciate that report, how hard you work,or a client says thank you.  It can totally change your outlook in an instant.  If you feel appreciated, valued, you’ll work your tail off for that person.

It’s the same thing in the rest of life.  We beat ourselves up over what we do wrong but rarely appreciate what we do right.  We do it to spouses, kids,our pets, employees, and we’re particularly hard on ourselves.  Guess what.  Punishment has been shown time and again to be a very ineffective way to change behavior.

So my goal for myself is to say “good girl/boy”  as often as I can.  To  find things that people are doing right and praise them for it.  When the bed does get made- Good Boy, When a client follows the rules- Good girl.  But especially when I do things right- Good Duchess.

So your mission, if you chose to accept it, is to find someone doing something right and comment on it, whenever you can:)